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38 million children write to Santa every year. Their letters are scanned into the North Pole’s three trillion terabyte server, which keeps information on every child’s Nice/Naughty ratings, presents requested, presents approved and everything from changes made this year to houses’ layout, to squeaks in their floorboards, to what new pet hazards might be expected. But if you’re a grownup – even teachers and world leaders – Santa still knows how good you were as a kid and what you asked for! So beware!
- The North Pole servers are constantly under attack from hackers. The organization ChimniLeaks (or SaintNickiLeaks) claims to have in its possession childhood naughtiness records for several public figures, including The Queen, Ashton Kutcher, and six US Presidents. However, when President Richard Nixon’s niceness score appeared to be consistently above 90% for his entire childhood, these figures were disregarded as fake. Many children have wondered how Santa knows how nice or naughty they have been. When questioned about this, Santa’s son Steve Claus replied: ‘I’m afraid I don’t discuss details of ongoing operations.’ Pressed on whether Santa monitors children, has access to raw data, gets help from Google Earth or is simply telepathic, Steve replied: ‘I’m afraid I don’t discuss details of ongoing operations.’
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As part of its exhaustive preparation for the Big Mission, three times a week Santa’s entire elf army rehearses a crisis scenario. The latest drill involved a scenario in which the Central Gift Server crashed for 9 seconds, accidentally delivering 19.3 million Canadian children barbecue thermometers. Every elf was involved in a mission to reenter a simulation of Montreal to replace the unexciting meat temperature gauges with the kids’ proper presents.
- There are occasionally problems, even somewhere as amazingly well-organized as Santa’s North Pole. Recently, an unnamed member of the Claus family left a door to the surface open and an elephant seal got inside! It made its way to the Elf Maternity Ward but no mothers or babies came to harm. The creature was enticed back outside with a beach ball and a bucket of trout. A baby elf born during the incident was named Anthony Elephant Seal Philp in memory of the event.
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Santa’s son Steve Claus is always researching ways to improve Christmas or bring it up to date. He even tried to persuade Santa to launch four festive seasons, so as to ‘maximize consumer take-up’. The seasons would be called Spring Christmas, Summer Christmas, Autumn Christmas and Winter Christmas. His theory was that it’s costly and impractical to have a whole army on ‘preparative standby’ for 364 days. Santa refused, arguing that Christmas coming just once a year, at Christmas, is what keeps it magic. ‘Besides,’ added Santa, ‘Parents would want my head on a plate.’
- The word ‘Christmas’ is copyrighted. Every time you say ‘Christmas’ or sing a song with the word ‘Christmas’ in it, the North Pole receives a small royalty, which it puts towards a charity for retired elves. ‘Xmas’, however, isn’t copyrighted by Santa (it’s rumoured to belong to a global oil corporation) so please don’t use it if you want to help old elves.
By ‘Arthur Christmas’ writers Peter Baynham & Sarah Smith
